What do I do on nights I can't sleep...? Blog? What else? (:

Ugh. I feel like I have wayyyyy to much crap on my mind tonight.. So I thought I'd blog. It's a good way to let off some steam sometimes.

I'm having a little.. "boy drama"
to say the least.

I was sorta casually dating this guy, well the other day.. he decides to tell me he "loves" me. I dont take that word lightly.. I think love is a HUGE deal, which I told him.. I said exactly "I dont think love is a word to just throw around." and he replys... "I'm not throwing it around..."

Well, I like the kid yes. I have amazing times when I'm with him.. but love... love is no where near what I feel, but obviously him saying this, makes me start thinking.. like a mad woman I swear..

I went out with him after work last night, and everything went really good.. today... I didnt hear from him not once.... I DONT UNDERSTAND MEN..
They are the most complicated, especially this one.. I told him, You have more mood swings then a woman on her stinkin period.. YA.. IT'S THAT BAD!

So what do I do?

I dont ever see this going anywhere, I want the temple marriage, he has nowhere near the same beliefs as me. & technically we arent allowed to date because he almost my boss..

But I can't avoid him, I see him every day.. I would just try to quit liking him, that's a lot harder then it seems. And I definitely can't quit my job..... UGH!

Oh,, just wait. It gets worse.

So I was writing this guy on his mission. (yes, if you are reading this chelsie, you'll know who I am talking about..)

Before he left, we were JUST FRIENDS. Like I never ever ever saw it going anywhere. Then we really started talking, I got the first letter from him, the first pictures, the first a lot of things.. He wrote me EVERY WEEK, while in the MTC and he could.. Everyone said he liked me, that we were "gonna get married when he got home." I started to see him in a completely different way.. He said how much he "loved" me in every single letter.. Well then he goes to the field and obviously I don't hear from him cuz he's 1- so busy 2- it takes years to get letters back and forth.. so I read his emails every week to his family, and sent him emails when I could. He wasn't suppose to email anyone besides family.. So I understood not hearing from him.. well.... he got sent home because he had back problems. I'm obviously excited to see him, not that he's home from his mission by ANY means. I knew his mission ment the world to him and I was beyond proud... well since being home, every conversation we've had has been insanely awkward... and he acts as if, well... he doesnt wanna have anything to do with me.... and that hurts. You can't say stuff like that to a girl, then totally turn the other way. I hungout with him and a couple other friends.. the only word he said directly to me the whole night was "hi" and he avioded me at all costs.

WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH THAT?!

Uff, sometimes I really hate being a single young woman.. I would rather "skip" the steps and just be married already.. the heartache.. SUCKS!

That's just a bit of what's going on right now..
Not to mention my grandma died and her funeral is in the morning... That makes everything about... 100000000000000000 billion + times harder. Ugh.

Realizations.

Its funny how you can be working on something for so so long, and then all of a sudden... the answer is right in front of you.. LIKE DUHHH!

That's what kind of just happened to me..

President Thomas S. Monson once said in a conference a year or so back..

"A repenting woman should never look back."

I dont know why it has taken me so long to realize it. Maybe I needed the talks me and shelby have had and just thinking long and hard about it. I worry way too much what people think about my past.. that is my problem. Instead of worrying about my future and what I need to do differently to make my goals. I need to not only not look back, but first.. I need to forgive MYSELF for my past. That is my biggest thing. So here's my goal.. In the next 7 months or however long. That is what I am going to focus completely on. I am going to forgive myself. & try to forget (well obviously not forget, cuz no one is capable of that) my past, Move on from it. & focus on this wonderful future I am trying to make for myself. (:

Oh the joys of today (:

Today was pretty dang eventful..
From the beginning..
I woke up for scriptures at 6:30 with Barbara and Brad. That is THE best way to start out the day. I promise you. For any members reading this, You should start out every morning reading a couple chapters of the Book of Mormon. Definitely makes the day better.
Then I went back to sleep for a bit...... Ended up waking up a little too late...
Had to hurry to work. Catered an event at EITC for over 200 HIGH SCHOOL KIDS.. ugh! Is all I can say about that!
In the process, catching a table and rag on fire.. not my fault. All on junior.
And then sprained my ankle...... UGH!
Junior made me go with him to Walmart.. which ended up making my ankle feel way better.
Then I had to drive to Ucon and try to find SOMEONE.. ANYONE to wrap my stinkin ankle......
guess how good that turned out...
all my friends were either busy or had no clue how..
So i had to fend for myself... the wrap sucked, but it got the job done.
I ended up making over 150 at work tonight...
which in the end, made the crap morning seem worth it. (:
I do love my job. & I love my life.

Late night thoughts....

I should be sleeping seeing as I have to be up at like 6:30. but I have so so much on my mind. So I figured I'd blog about it. (:

I hungout with my friend Shelby today and we got to talking, probably one of the most serious talks I've had with anyone in a really really long time. We both started crying a bit. We've both been through a lot of trials and tests of our strength in the church. And even reading some of my posts from like a year ago.. The things I said, I can never take back. But I know for a fact that's not how I really think or believe. Drugs do things to a person, that I would never, ever wanna put myself through again. I hurt so many people close to me, people that really know me. & I've made a lot of mistakes in my journey to find me. But the only thing.. That is my biggest goal. That I can say I REALLY DID think about even through the drugs phase... I want.. no.. I will get married in the temple. It is the only thing I know that I want and need and will do. It's my number 1. I may mess up. I have my issues. but there is nothing in this world that will change the fact that I believe in the gospel.. with all my heart. & I will do anything, I will give up anything, I will say goodbye to anyone, if it means getting married in the temple. So these past couple weeks. I've done just that. I've distanced myself from anyone who has EVER made me second guess my faith. I deleted them from Facebook. (a small step, but it really will help not seeing their rude and hurtful comments) I moved back in with the Carlsons.. the only people in this world who really understand me without going through what I have.. They are the least judgemental people I have ever met, even though they are pretty much perfect and it seems like they would.. They dont. NOT EVER. I love them tremendesly for it. I go to church, not just go.. I listen, with all my heart. I have such a strong testimony now that if you go to church seeking answers.. with questions in your heart. Heavenly Father WILL answer them. Every time. Im lucky for the few friends I have that have shown me the gospel and have helped me when I really needed it.

I have a lot of other things on my mind. But those are just some to let out and put into "writing" (:

The Final Months.

Helllllllloooo bloggers!

I bet you're thinking.. OH MY HECK SHE'S ALIVE! Hahah, I wasn't so sure myself. But I'm back. & hopefully here to stay for awhile this time. (:

No.. Im not dying. It's not MYYYY finaly months.

Dennis Glen High comes home in 7 freaking months. The final months and I can't even believe it. I'm insanely excited. He has been the biggest support to me over the past few years. I dont know where I would honestly be without his love and guidance. He has shown me things I never really knew or understood before. Things I never took the time to understand. He has shown me the most important things in life. My faith. Without him, I never would've believed in anything or tryed too. & I don't know how I can ever repay him for everything he's done for me. I cannot wait for him to be home and tell me everything about his mission. I am looking forward to seeing where our relationship will go.

This song has been my favorite lately, I'll just copy the lyrics. It is mine and Dennis's song. (: And a PERFECT fit for how I feel.

Here it is, Everything by Lifehouse:

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
where I find peace, again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the life, to my soul.
You are my purpose, you're everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You still my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want, you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, you're all I need.
You're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better, any better than this.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?


<3